Huge study about safety can be misinterpreted by SUV drivers
#7081
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbemisinterpreted by SUV drivers)
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting -----faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I ---- myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like ---- to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach
"Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061543470.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
>
> > > > You claim discrimination by excluding gays. I claim that others
could
> > > > claim that you would want to discriminate against them because you
would
> > > > exlude non-adults, non-humans, or even non-living things for those
> > > > humans that wanted to marry, say, their dog, tree, torque wrench,
etc.
>
> > > And this is a slippery-slope argument totally divorced, as it were,
from
> > > any reality.
>
> > Why is it a slippery slope argument?
>
> If you don't know the definition of a slippery-slope argument, go look it
> up. I am not your debate coach.
>
> DS
>
from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are
the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep
this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting -----faced from all the beer.
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive. JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat
is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
_______________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines
are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I ---- myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with
too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the
chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3- He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade
in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like ---- to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach
"Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061543470.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
>
> > > > You claim discrimination by excluding gays. I claim that others
could
> > > > claim that you would want to discriminate against them because you
would
> > > > exlude non-adults, non-humans, or even non-living things for those
> > > > humans that wanted to marry, say, their dog, tree, torque wrench,
etc.
>
> > > And this is a slippery-slope argument totally divorced, as it were,
from
> > > any reality.
>
> > Why is it a slippery slope argument?
>
> If you don't know the definition of a slippery-slope argument, go look it
> up. I am not your debate coach.
>
> DS
>
#7082
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbemisinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Bobby Koch" <bobby.koch53@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3FD2A433.D186DB8C@hotmail.com...
> Nice language from a netcop.
>
> George wrote:
>
> > Why is this ---- in the car groups?
>
#7083
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbemisinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Bobby Koch" <bobby.koch53@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3FD2A433.D186DB8C@hotmail.com...
> Nice language from a netcop.
>
> George wrote:
>
> > Why is this ---- in the car groups?
>
#7084
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbemisinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Bobby Koch" <bobby.koch53@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3FD2A433.D186DB8C@hotmail.com...
> Nice language from a netcop.
>
> George wrote:
>
> > Why is this ---- in the car groups?
>
#7085
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbe misinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Bobby Koch" <bobby.koch53@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3FD2A40B.58196CED@hotmail.com...
> So you that you can have something to keep you busy.
>
> George wrote:
>
> > Why is this ---- in the car groups?
> >
> > "Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
> > news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061547400.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> > > On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
> > >
> > > > The defining difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals is the
> > > > type of activity they each engage in
> > >
> > > Repetition does not bolster this statement's validity.
> > >
> > > > unless you know of other differences unrelated to sexuality.
> > >
> > > The gender of people with whom homosexuals fall in love with...?
> > >
> > > DS
> > >
> > >
>
#7086
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbe misinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Bobby Koch" <bobby.koch53@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3FD2A40B.58196CED@hotmail.com...
> So you that you can have something to keep you busy.
>
> George wrote:
>
> > Why is this ---- in the car groups?
> >
> > "Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
> > news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061547400.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> > > On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
> > >
> > > > The defining difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals is the
> > > > type of activity they each engage in
> > >
> > > Repetition does not bolster this statement's validity.
> > >
> > > > unless you know of other differences unrelated to sexuality.
> > >
> > > The gender of people with whom homosexuals fall in love with...?
> > >
> > > DS
> > >
> > >
>
#7087
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbe misinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Bobby Koch" <bobby.koch53@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3FD2A40B.58196CED@hotmail.com...
> So you that you can have something to keep you busy.
>
> George wrote:
>
> > Why is this ---- in the car groups?
> >
> > "Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
> > news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061547400.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> > > On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
> > >
> > > > The defining difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals is the
> > > > type of activity they each engage in
> > >
> > > Repetition does not bolster this statement's validity.
> > >
> > > > unless you know of other differences unrelated to sexuality.
> > >
> > > The gender of people with whom homosexuals fall in love with...?
> > >
> > > DS
> > >
> > >
>
#7088
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbe misinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061547400.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
>
> > The defining difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals is the
> > type of activity they each engage in
>
> Repetition does not bolster this statement's validity.
>
> > unless you know of other differences unrelated to sexuality.
>
> The gender of people with whom homosexuals fall in love with...?
>
> DS
>
>
#7089
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbe misinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061547400.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
>
> > The defining difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals is the
> > type of activity they each engage in
>
> Repetition does not bolster this statement's validity.
>
> > unless you know of other differences unrelated to sexuality.
>
> The gender of people with whom homosexuals fall in love with...?
>
> DS
>
>
#7090
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Global Warming - a Liberal Scam?, (was Huge study about safetycanbe misinterpreted by SUV drivers)
GIVING PILLS TO CATS AND DOGS MADE EASY
CATS:
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters left.
DOGS:
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
"Daniel J. Stern" <dastern@127.0.0.1> wrote in message
news:Pine.SOL.4.44.0312061547400.10056-100000@alumni.engin.umich.edu...
> On Sat, 6 Dec 2003, Greg wrote:
>
> > The defining difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals is the
> > type of activity they each engage in
>
> Repetition does not bolster this statement's validity.
>
> > unless you know of other differences unrelated to sexuality.
>
> The gender of people with whom homosexuals fall in love with...?
>
> DS
>
>